Prepare yourself for a not so up-beat post.
Well, my intention this week was to talk about my pregnancy. To tell you how excited my husband and I were to be expecting a little bundle of joy, finally. Having children is something we've talked about since before marriage... since even the early stages of our relationship because it's just something we both want and have always been 'prepared' for. What were weren't truly prepared for is the chance of a sick fetus that will most likely result in miscarriage.
Why talk about this on the Internet? We are now in our 14th week and the pregnancy is pretty much public knowledge at this point -- our families know, friends know and even co-workers know. We thought we had waited the necessary amount of time to avoid just what is happening. So now every person that knew we were pregnant (and technically still are) will know once it is no more.
At our first ultrasound at nine weeks, the doctors thought they saw a very small amount of fluid build-up. We were sent for a follow-up at a center with really good technology to get a better look two weeks later. That appointment was promising; our baby for the most part seemed okay, but possibly had a small amount of fluid under its skin on the back of its neck. Depending on the amount of fluid and how much it grows, this could mean abnormal chromosomes (resulting in Down Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, or other), but it would most likely be absorbed. It appeared that there was no other fluid to be found. We were told that it had to be monitored, but to proceed with cautionary optimism.
Our next appointment was this past Tuesday (12 weeks, 5 days). During these appointments, before the doctor does a consult, the technician does an ultrasound and takes multiple pictures at multiple angles. My husband and I could see instantly. "Is that the fluid?" I asked the technician. "Yes" ..."F." ...no really, the letter F came out of my mouth.
First thing the doctor said when he came in is that he doesn't like the results of this ultrasound. Neither did we.
Not only does our baby have a significant amount of fluid build-up under the skin in the back of its neck, it also has fluid under the skin in its abdomen. This is called Fetal Hydrops and most fetus's don't survive the pregnancy. Even when they do, they die shortly after from all the swelling, or are very sick and have to be aggressively treated. However, in my case it was first trimester diagnosis and so I'm told chances of even coming to term a low.
Here is a link for more info -
Fetal Hydrops - Children's Hospital of Wisconsin It's more readable then the medical websites. If your interested, go for it, but don't Google images - it's not pretty.
So, here I am wide awake at 3am again, like every other night since Tuesday. Life lessons learned?
--Don't tell acquaintances before 13 weeks, especially if it appears early on that there could be a problem because it could mean for multiple heartbreaking explanations.
--You're never prepared for everything.
I'm sure there are more that I can't see quite yet..
The worst part at this stage is the waiting. It is the hardest thing I've never had no choice but to do.
The fetus is tiny - the size of a peach, but the weight of only a slice of cheese. It doesn't have feelings yet, I don't think.. So why can't I treat this like something that just happens? I know of many other women who have gone though similar situations, through a miscarriage. Life doesn't go smoothly, it's not meant to. During the day I can accept that and my husband and I carry on. We cry, make each other laugh and talk bluntly about how it sucks. We have each other for support and the support of our family and friends, whom we are so truly blessed to have. But, damn. 3am is tough.
I do believe the time heals wounds and I'm sure we'll probably try again... but it's not time to think about that because for now I'm stuck waiting. I'll keep you updated - next appointment Wednesday.
-Julia