The 3am Blues

Prepare yourself for a not so up-beat post.


Well, my intention this week was to talk about my pregnancy. To tell you how excited my husband and I were to be expecting a little bundle of joy, finally. Having children is something we've talked about since before marriage... since even the early stages of our relationship because it's just something we both want and have always been 'prepared' for. What were weren't truly prepared for is the chance of a sick fetus that will most likely result in miscarriage.

Why talk about this on the Internet? We are now in our 14th week and the pregnancy is pretty much public knowledge at this point -- our families know, friends know and even co-workers know. We thought we had waited the necessary amount of time to avoid just what is happening. So now every person that knew we were pregnant (and technically still are) will know once it is no more.

At our first ultrasound at nine weeks, the doctors thought they saw a very small amount of fluid build-up. We were sent for a follow-up at a center with really good technology to get a better look two weeks later. That appointment was promising; our baby for the most part seemed okay, but possibly had a small amount of fluid under its skin on the back of its neck. Depending on the amount of fluid and how much it grows, this could mean abnormal chromosomes (resulting in Down Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, or other), but it would most likely be absorbed. It appeared that there was no other fluid to be found. We were told that it had to be monitored, but to proceed with cautionary optimism.

Our next appointment was this past Tuesday (12 weeks, 5 days). During these appointments, before the doctor does a consult, the technician does an ultrasound and takes multiple pictures at multiple angles. My husband and I could see instantly. "Is that the fluid?" I asked the technician. "Yes" ..."F."   ...no really, the letter F came out of my mouth.

First thing the doctor said when he came in is that he doesn't like the results of this ultrasound. Neither did we.

Not only does our baby have a significant amount of fluid build-up under the skin in the back of its neck, it also has fluid under the skin in its abdomen. This is called Fetal Hydrops and most fetus's don't survive the pregnancy. Even when they do, they die shortly after from all the swelling, or are very sick and have to be aggressively treated. However, in my case it was first trimester diagnosis and so I'm told chances of even coming to term a low.

Here is a link for more info - Fetal Hydrops - Children's Hospital of Wisconsin It's more readable then the medical websites. If your interested, go for it, but don't Google images - it's not pretty.

So, here I am wide awake at 3am again, like every other night since Tuesday. Life lessons learned?
--Don't tell acquaintances before 13 weeks, especially if it appears early on that there could be a problem because it could mean for multiple heartbreaking explanations.
--You're never prepared for everything.
I'm sure there are more that I can't see quite yet..


The worst part at this stage is the waiting. It is the hardest thing I've never had no choice but to do.

The fetus is tiny - the size of a peach, but the weight of only a slice of cheese. It doesn't have feelings yet, I don't think.. So why can't I treat this like something that just happens? I know of many other women who have gone though similar situations, through a miscarriage. Life doesn't go smoothly, it's not meant to. During the day I can accept that and my husband and I carry on. We cry, make each other laugh and talk bluntly about how it sucks. We have each other for support and the support of our family and friends, whom we are so truly blessed to have. But, damn. 3am is tough.

I do believe the time heals wounds and I'm sure we'll probably try again... but it's not time to think about that because for now I'm stuck waiting. I'll keep you updated - next appointment Wednesday.


-Julia

Radiohead and a sour puss--Am I Veruca Salt?

We all have a bucket list of some sort.

Whether we take the time two write one down or just keep a mental check list, we have things we want and hope to do before we die. 

I don't keep a list compiled entirely of prominent hopes. Somethings I'd like to do before I cross those pearly gates are: see all 50 states, join a band, have a flower garden, meet Paul McCartney,  skinny dip, publish a photograph in Rolling Stone magazine, raise a family, truly help someone, write a book, run a coffee and pie shop, volunteer for something I care about, buy an outfit not on sale, see Radiohead in concert…

You might look at some of these goals and think that they are petty, selfish and meaningless in the grand scheme of life. But, this is my list and I'm sticking to it. 

Last week, I got to check one of those items off my endlessly growing tally. For my birthday (age and gray hair, let's not go there) my husband purchased us tickets for a Radiohead concert in St. Louis. YES! 

The day started wonderfully, we finished teaching, packed our things, kissed our furry babies goodbye and hit to road for STL. We were early, so we found a mall and I dived head first into the sales wracks of some of my favorite stores. 

Later, we arrived at our hotel, met up with his brother, sister-in-law and  their two friends, and went to dinner. The day was going ideally. 

With the concert and some sort of haunted house convention occurring in the area, service was slow at our restaurant of choice. While passing the time, our companions looked at their print-out tickets to check the start time. 

Earlier, I asked my man if he had the tickets and he said not to fret because all we had to do was swipe our credit card for entrance. Great. Easy. No worries. 

During this time, the look of doubt appeared in his eyes and he began feverishly checking his phone to make sure he read the directions correctly. 

"Are you sure we didn't need to print them?," I asked about the tickets. Yes, he was sure. Then what could possibly be the worry? 

Hubby started questioning if he had the correct credit card with him to do the swipe thing.

My Favorite Reads

Below you'll find some of my favorite books -- these range from books I read over three years ago, to the one I'm currently reading, A Series of Unfortunate Events. I love these books because of the story within, meaning if you're looking for a challenging read, you wont find it on this list!


A Song for Summer by Eva Ibbotson

Ellen is an 18-year-old girl who goes to the Hallendorf School in Austria, which turns out to be full of eccentric teachers and  interesting children. She finds love, of course, but war may be upon them. It has beautiful imagery and it's a wonderful way to 'get away.' 

Broken by Daniel Clay

I bought this book in Virgin Records store in Downtown Disney to read on the plane ride home, and it completely sucked me in. It's follows a young girl, Skunk Cunningham as she observes her outrageous neighborhood after the beating of Rick "Broken" Buckley by Bob Oswald, the father of five promiscuous and badly behaved daughters. 

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

This is such an enlightening classic that I think it wouldn't hurt if everyone would read it. I love Maya Angelou's sense of the world and loved this book because as someone who grew up differently than Maya Angelou, it opens my eyes a different culture and not only that, a different time in the world completely. 

666 Park Avenue by Gabriella Pierce

Who isn't at least a little intrigued by magic and witches? I know I am! This book is about architect Jane Boyle who grew up in Paris and move to New York with the handsome Malcolm Doran after he swept her off her feet. While Jane is learning to cope with her new magical gifts, she learns Malcolm's family has something else in mind.

A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket

I bought this book a couple of weeks ago at the local indoor flea market. This one in particular holds three stories: The Bad Beginning, The Reptile Room and The Wide Window and has some illustrations by Brett Helquist. This is definitely a kid-friendly read, meaning it is so simple that I cannot wait to read it to my child at night before bed. It is quirky and intriguing, and I'm having difficulty putting it down. 

I feel the best way to explain is to quote the short note on Limony Snicket published in the book itself:

"Lemony Snicket was born before you were and is likely to die before you as well. A studied expert in rhetorical analysis, Mr. Snicket has spent the last several eras researching the travails of the Baudelaire orphans. His findings are being published serially by Harper-Collins."

Well, I hope this list has given you some ideas! Feel free to e-mail us or comment with any books you suggest.

-Julia